How about good old 2009 eh?

So RIGHT after Jared and I got married I guess you could say crap hit the fan (pardon me). BUT there were some great things that happened as well! Jared Graduated College from U of U and I got promoted in my job.

I love my work buddies :)

Here are some fun times Jared and I had before our lives changed dramatically.. 

 Jared and I at a Slightly Stoopid and Dilated Peoples concert! It was so fun!

 Jared and Chris H. I call him Creeee

 In front of our house in Salt Lake City

 Painting was interesting! Took forever!

 Proud that he put up curtains :)

 All done with curtains and painting now pictures!

 My most favorite baby in the whole world at kids club! Kira

 A massive pot...

 My friend Anna Smith's wedding

 First time we had seen one of our childhood friends in a looooong time. Janelle Fuston

 Floating down the river! HA that was really funny. we got a hole in our raft and asked a random lady for her gum so we could plug up the hole. Then our only ore snapped in half and a few swear words were yelled ha great times

 Sexy hubby and the famous raft... stupid thing

 Classic car pic

 Going dancing with my friends! Sam, Alyson and Sarah

 When we got to the club it ended up being"fetish" night and so it was kind of creepy...

Our first year of marriage was not easy to say the least but through it all we grew closer together and learned things that some couples learn years down the road.

The main reason 2009 was so incredibly hard was because so many people in my family passed away. The interesting thing about death is, you really can't imagine it happening to you. We hear on the news all the time about earth quakes killing people, storms, suicides, shootings and most of the time it happens in another state or a town no one has heard of or to a "friend you knew a long time ago." Time goes by and everything is great and going smoothly and we forget that in one second our lives could change dramatically. After receiving phone call after phone call about tragedies in my family, I have learned that  it COULD happen to ME. Crisis COULD happen to MY family. The last trip I was able to take with Michael was in February I believe. We went to the beach and had a great time. Mike laughed at everything I did and always called me a retard. I love him :)

Beach time! 

Mike and I loved a old picture that we had of when Mike and I were little and we were doing this same thing on these bikes with our dad. We wanted to reenact it :)

Ha Mike is silly

That trip to the coast was very meaningful to me because that was when Michael was doing pretty well. He was able to smile, laugh and have fun. He was so sweet.

NOT A COINCIDENCE 

Fast-forwarding to May of 2009, I went to Anna Smith's wedding and was one of her brides maids! It was so much fun to see how happy she and Dante were. CAN YOU SAY TWITTERPATED???? Not only was it fun to be part of her wedding it was also the last time I ever saw Michael. I remember our last hug. I think it was a tender mercy from the Lord that Anna got married in May and that I was able to go. Pretty cool how he takes care of us.

This picture describes Anna very well. She is one of my most favorite people. 

WORST MONTH EVER (but the closest I have ever been to my entire family)

This next section is the one I have been dreading but I know I will regret if I don't document it. There were so many miracles...

My Grandpa Delong (mom's dad) died in June when Michael went missing. Jared and I went to (Oregon) with David for the funeral. It was fun to see my cousin Justin Delong because no one had seen him in a long time. Before my Grandpa died (but was on his death bed) the last thing I ever heard from Michael was when he texted me while I was at work and said, "Man I wish you could be here to see Grandpa... I really need a hug right now, and I like yours." I smiled when I read the text and texted my dad and mom to tell them to give Michael a hug from me. My mom says she remembers watching Michael sitting next to Grandpa taking care of him and just watching him. She thinks Mike was probably thinking that he was going to go next. After My Grandpa's funeral my family and I left to St. George for a vacation. I called and texted Michael over and over again trying to get him to come home so that he could come with us. I drove to all of his friends houses and could not find him. We ended up leaving and had a really great time. We watched a slide show that my dad had made of our family and we all were emotional because Mike was not there and we knew he was suffering.

We went to the "Annie" play in an outdoor theater! It was pretty cool. Red Rock was everywhere. 

Me and My niece Krystal!

Joseph (my nephew) gives the best hugs...

It was so pretty where we were!!! I loved it!

Mark is an incredible rock climber he taught me how to look for a good, safe, fun spot for the family to camp out and climb.

I had the WORST swass... but man was it hot! give me a break people!

Jareds first time rock climbing :) I was one proud girl

I love my dad so much. He is such a teddy bear

HEY! EYES OFF MY BUTT OK??? I was working hard! 

Hey hey Jared... turn just a littttttle more please

 While we were in Saint George we were in minimal contact with Michael because we found out that he came home when we left. I remember the last text I sent to him which were lyrics to his most FAVORITE song by Bird York called "Deep." I texted him this...

"Life keeps tumbling your heart in circles... till you... let go...

Till you shed your pride and you climb to heaven... and you throw yourself off.

Now your out there spinning... in the deep"

Little did I know that was exactly what he was going to do. He never responded to that text. I am sure he wanted to distance himself from us all so that it would have made it easier to "let go."

We all went our separate ways after the trip and Mike was missing again. He had asked my mom if she was going to bring the nieces back to Oregon after the trip. My mom said no and I wonder if she would have said yes it would have postponed his decision to leave. But I need to stay away from the "what ifs."

My parents had texted Michael and asked him to please come home and Mike said, "Yea I will come home Wednesday at 4pm and if I don't show up know something happened." So they waited and waited when Wednesday came around. Nothing. No Michael. That day I had an experience where I felt like I needed to text Michael and tell him how much I love him and to not leave me. I told him I needed my big brother. He never got the text. I was too late. Sometime that night Michael took his life by our house in Oregon... There was a beautiful view of trees where he was. Now when I walk in an area surrounded by trees, it has a new meaning. On his Ipod in his truck the last song he had listened to was "I am a Child of God" sung by the Tabernacle Choir. He also had his scriptures close by along with two letters written to us and two pictures he loved. He was always taking care of us. My family considers those letters gifts from the Lord. They are what saved us. I can hardly write this.

I had just clocked in at work and as I turned on the lights my phone rang. I noticed it was my dad so I hurried and answered it thinking he was going to say Michael showed up. Instead he told me that Michael was gone... I immediately screamed and fell to the ground. I couldn't breathe. The world felt like it was closing in on me. I couldn't walk, I couldn't talk, I couldn't think. My world came to an end. I gathered my things, ran out to my car and sobbed. I am not sure how I got home but I remember calling Jared and telling him what had happened. As I screamed in my car trying so hard to make it home I remember seeing other drivers staring at me. I felt like I wanted to die. The pain I felt was indescribable. I would never wish it upon anyone. I stumbled up the steps to my house and Jared ran to carry me in.  I collapsed on the floor sobbing. I kept saying Michael's name and could hardly breathe. I could not open my eyes. The next thing I knew family swamped my house. Jessica Murray, Alex, Blake, and Whitney sat in my family room all in shock. I continued to cry and sob. I remember screaming "Michael are you OK!!!" "Where are you... Where are you… Please come back. Don’t leave me. Why did you leave me..." After repeating myself and yelling at what I felt was nothing, I saw him clear as day, as if he were glowing. He said, "I am fine Tiff." I opened my eyes and smiled. I will never forget that. He was still taking care of me. Not too long after that David (my other brother) came over and so did Scott and Gale Bleak, Libby and Jared Rodman. We all sat in my house and sang "Families Can be Together Forever" two times. I received a blessing from Scott Bleak and the spirit was very strong. I was worried about my mom. I had not been able to talk to her because she was not able to.

The reason I am going into such detail about all of this is because I hope it will help someone. I hope whoever reads this will walk away from this with a greater desire to cherish their loved ones and do a better job at being kind to family members. I hope this helps people be more involved in their family's lives. I hope that those who have lost someone they love will be able to relate and be able to know that they are not alone.

I want to leave it at that with the details. Everyone in my family has a story to tell about the news they all received about Michael. Another reason I share mine is because of what I have learned from this experience. Even though I experienced pain and sorrow that can not be described I grew closer to the Lord, and my family. There were so many miracles that came from this trial. My mom and dad wrote a book about them and gave it to all of us kids. Till this day the book keeps getting bigger and bigger. Since Michael died my family (Bleaks, Morins, Murrays, Rodmans, Pippins, Delongs EVERYONE) grew closer than we had ever been. I think it touched every one's lives in someway. Neighbors, strangers, church friends, and acquaintances came to help hold our family up. We could not be more grateful for all of the help and love that came running our way. It was pretty incredible.

Instead of constantly hearing "do not judge others" and not really understanding the depth of that statement I have come to realize how INCREDIBLY important that principle is. There is a reason it is repeated everywhere. When we judge others it can initially be a subconscious action or thought we have towards someone. Soon our thoughts or subconscious actions can be verbalized and influence others to think the way we do about someone or something. It's a ripple effect that gets passed along like the plague. We pass negative, condemning attitudes which affect the person we are judging and our spirits. I wish every kid in high school, middle school, and elementary school could understand the consequences of judging others and how fast it can turn into bullying. Sometimes a mean or judgmental statement could be the last straw for someone and the people that get left behind get to live with that forever.

I was really angry for a while with the Lord. I was angry when I saw how much my family suffered from this experience and I was angry when I thought about my brother and how much he was tortured. My anger affected every aspect of my life. I woke up every morning feeling ill. It's like when you wake up from a bad dream and you feel like something is wrong wondering if your dream was real or not. Then seconds after you wake up you have to tell yourself that it was JUST A DREAM SO FORGET ABOUT IT! This time I couldn't tell myself to not be sad because it was real. Michael was really gone. Accept it. My twin was gone. He is who I shared all of my memories with. He was who knew me the best. He was my best friend and he's gone. All of these negative and sad thoughts consumed my life and to be honest sometimes they still do and I think that is normal. I remember calling my mom and asking her if she was angry with God. She said, "No, not at all. How could I be... Michael is now free." That right there is what I needed to hear. I changed my way of thinking and started to be happy for Michael. I was happy that he is now where he wanted to be. In one of his letters he wrote us he said, "I love my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ. I just want to go home."

I also learned how important the power of the Atonement is. Jesus died for us so that we may live with Him again. It is simple. I have been disturbed when people have said to me, "doesn't it make you even sadder knowing that his soul is condemned because he took his own life?" My response has been, "I know the Lord will have mercy on his soul because he was very sick. My brother experienced the deepest pits of hell on earth and fought a good fight. I know he will be fine." That is where I find peace; knowing that my brother is being taken care of. Isn’t that so amazing how well our Lord knows us? He knows our hearts, desires and our debilitating trials that we have been given which (at times) handicap us and not allow us to do what our spirit desire. Now Michael is serving the mission he has always tried to serve. I know he will be a great missionary. I know he misses us and wishes he could tell us that he loves us and that he is finally happy. I am grateful for that knowledge. I think of all the people who lose a loved one and think that life ends and is black. There is nothing left.

One thing that I did at his funeral was ask people who came to our house if they would like to write Michael a quick note so that I can place the notes on the coffin with him so that he is not alone. I ended up receiving many more notes than I thought I would get and the outcome was very beautiful. I photocopied the originals and put them in book for my family and the original ones with Michael.

Thank you to everyone who participated or wrote letters in your hearts...

I wrote a poem for him after he passed that expressed my thoughts and I am sure the thoughts of others. 

There are so many things your family wants you to hear.

At times words won’t come instead it’s a tear.

A tear full of emotions, fear and love

We wish we could hug you while you’re up above

You asked us not to forget you and I am not sure how we could

Michael you’re our hero if you could hug us we know you would

At time we feel as if we can’t go on

At times we feel like this life takes too long

We know you’re around us and wish you could say

That you love us and think about us each and every day

But since you can’t yell it loud enough for us to hear

You tell us others ways so we can be near

Near to our Father and Christ whom you love

Near to the eternities so we can be with you above

Near to the light that lightens up your eyes

Near to freedom that you longed for and there it lies

There are so many things your family wants you to hear

We wish we could have understood you and that our minds were more clear

We wish we would have looked pass your choice of medicine

We wish we would have done that before you reached heaven

We wish we could have held you before you left this place

We wish we could have seen you and shared your agony while your heart raced

We wish we could have taken or shared your torture

We wish we could have met your wife and see that you would have done anything for her

But now you are safe, free falling and laughing

Now you are living instead of loathing the time passing

There are so many things we want you to hear

We ask Heavenly Father for his permission so you can be near.

When my mom came to California to help me when Reese was born we watched a Janice Perry documentary and little did I know Janice Perry wrote all of my favorite church songs. Now don't stop reading just because I said "church songs!" I am not going to say anything boring! My mom got me "The Best of Janice Perry" CD for one of my Christmas gifts and I have been listening to it all the time! I blast it in the bathroom when I bathe Reese and it really brings the spirit. There is one song in particular that I have really enjoyed listening to because it is perfect for this Michael situation. It is perfect for all of us to hear because we all have trials in our life and wonder... "Why?" So please read these. They are simple and pure.

The Test

Janice Kapp Perry

Tell me friend, why are you blind?

Why doesn’t he who works the miracles send light into your eyes?

Tell me friend, if you understand, why doesn’t He with power to raise

the dead just make you whole again?

It would be so easy for Him.

I watch you and in sorrow and question why.

And you my friend in perfect faith reply.

Didn’t He say, He sent us to be tested?

Didn’t He say, the way would not be sure?

But didn’t he say we could live with him forever more,

well and whole, if we but patiently endure.

After the trial, we will be blessed,

but this life is the test.

Tell me friend, I see your pain.

Why when you pray in faith for healing,

does the crippling thorn remain?

Help me see, if you understand, why doesn’t he who healed

the lame man come with healing in his wings.

It would be so easy for Him.

I watch you and in sorrow question why?

And you my friend, in perfect faith reply.

Didn’t He say, He sent us to be tested?

Didn’t He say, the way would not be sure?

But didn’t he say we could live with him forever more,

well and whole, if we but patiently endure.

After the trial, we will be blessed,

but this life is the test.

Tell me now, why must you die?

Why must your loved ones stand with empty arms,

and ask the question why?

Help me know, so I can go on.

How when your love and faith sustained me, can the precious gift be gone?

From the depths of sorrow I cry, though pains of grief within my soul arrive.

The whisperings of the Spirit still my cry.

Didn’t He say, He sent us to be tested?

Didn’t He say, the way would not be sure?

But didn’t he say we could live with him forever more,

well and whole, if we but patiently endure.

After the trial, we will be blessed,

but this life is the test.

I love those lyrics because I have felt that way many times throughout my life but majority in 2009. These lyrics have the answers to my questions. The answers are simple. We have trials so that we can be stronger and grow. We have trials so that we can help others. We have trials so that we can be more humble. Jesus has gone through everything that we have gone through and all that is to come. I think we all need to try and let that knowledge lead to a spark of fire in our faith. I think we should let that knowledge influence us and give us strength to counsel with the Lord when we feel like no one else understands. Elder Scott said that when trials come into your life that are not consequences of our disobedience it’s the Lord trying to tell us that we are ready to grow and growing is often painful and uncomfortable.

I love my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ. I love the Gospel so much. It brings purpose, love, life, joy, and everlasting life with the ones I love. I am excited to see Michael, Grandpa Delong and others who have passed away. I am grateful for my mom and dad who have taught me so much. I am grateful for my brothers. I love them so much. I am grateful for my little family that I have started and I am excited to add more. Thank you for bearing through this! It should not be a downer because I don't look at Michael's passing as a downer anymore. He is able to serve. As Chris Hodges said, "Cinch up your tie and go to work."

HAWAII!!!

In August of 2009 the Johansen's went on a family trip to Hawaii. It was so much fun and a much needed vacation. I had a hard time there because Michael and I had gone to Hawaii countless times when we were kids and it made me miss him so much. I felt him close. Here are some fun pictures.