It's been a long time since I have posted but I really wanted to share a couple of things that I have been thinking a lot about.

I know I have said this a million times but once again, the last 6 years have had a lot of change and a lot of trials but also unbelievable miracles and blessings. Not only has my life had twists and unexpected turns, but I have been very aware of the twists and turns in the lives of others especially after I have experienced what it is like to be stretched to physical, mental, emotional and spiritual limits.

This new awareness started in 2009  and honestly I think it's just something that happens naturally when you have experienced any type of pain from something difficult. For example: After Michael took his own life, it felt and feels like I am frequently hearing about similar situations. Time and time again I am learning about recent widows with children, or someone being diagnosed with cancer, infidelity issues, and distrust, depression, anxiety, addictions... The list goes on an on. So often I have heard people say to me and my family, "why do bad things happen to such good people? haven't you been through enough?" I'll be honest I have asked that same question about others time and time again. What more could they possible learn Lord? Why would this be thy will? I think those are very normal and natural questions to ask right after hearing tragic news about someone but this question has really been weighing on me now that my awareness of the suffering of others is so pronounced.

I often listen to conference talks in my car while I drive to and from places to help ease my mind and gain strength, and yesterday I listened to one talk from the recent General Woman's session given by Linda Reeves called "Worthy of our promised blessings." There were many things that stood out to me in this talk but more than anything I feel like this question of "why do bad things happen to someone who is really trying," was finally answered. She said, "Recently I talked to an old friend who has gone through two divorces due to the addictions and unfaithfulness of her husbands. She and her three children have suffered greatly. She pleaded, “I have tried so hard to live righteously. Why have I had so many trials? What have I done wrong? What does Heavenly Father want me to do? I pray and read my scriptures, help my children, and go to the temple often.”

As I listened to this sister, I felt like shouting out, “You are doing it! You are doing all that Heavenly Father wants and hopes you will do!”

Understandably, many have expressed that our Father’s promised blessings are just “way too far away,” particularly when our lives are overflowing with challenges. But Amulek taught that “this life is the time … to prepare to meet God.”⁸ It is not the time to receive all of our blessings. President Packer explained, “‘And they all lived happily ever after’ is never written into the second act. That line belongs in the third act, when the mysteries are solved and everything is put right.”⁹However, a vision of our Father’s incredible promised blessings must be the central focus before our eyes every day—as well as an awareness “of the multitude of his tender mercies”¹⁰ that we experience on a daily basis.

Sisters, I do not know why we have the many trials that we have, but it is my personal feeling that the reward is so great, so eternal and everlasting, so joyful and beyond our understanding that in that day of reward, we may feel to say to our merciful, loving Father, “Was that all that was required?” I believe that if we could daily remember and recognize the depth of that love our Heavenly Father and our Savior have for us, we would be willing to do anything to be back in Their presence again, surrounded by Their love eternally. What will it matter, dear sisters, what we suffered here if, in the end, those trials are the very things which qualify us for eternal life and exaltation in the kingdom of God with our Father and Savior?"

Isn't that incredible??? I love how she said, "I DO NOT KNOW WHY WE HAVE THE MANY TRIALS THAT WE HAVE BUT IT IS MY PERSONAL FEELING THAT THE REWARD IS SO GREAT, SO ETERNAL AND EVERLASTING, SO JOYFUL AND BEYOND OUR UNDERSTANDING THAT IN THAT DAY OF REWARD, WE MAY FEEL TO SAY TO OUR MERCIFUL, LOVING FATHER, "WAS THAT ALL THAT WAS REQUIRED??? WHAT WILL IT MATTER, DEAR SISTERS, WHAT WE SUFFERED HERE IF, IN THE END, THOSE TRIALS ARE THE VERY THINGS WHICH QUALIFY US FOR ETERNAL LIFE..."

I never thought of myself ever saying "was that it? That's all I had to experience and do to get here?" NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS WOULD I THINK TO SAY THAT. But now as I hear of tragedy all around me, I am choosing to look at it all with a different perspective. I choose to instead picture that very individual standing before God saying, "is that all that was required?" Although I would never EVER want to go through the trials I have faced again, I truly am beyond grateful for the times in my life that may have been qualifying moments and the other qualifying moments to come as well as the atonement to cover the parts where I frequently fall short.

Another thing I have been so moved by is the reality of the light of christ in others. If someone were to ask me what that meant a few months ago I may have just come up with a super basic guess, but recently after watching the following video I have a better understanding on what that truly means. 

 Click: Light of Christ 

I engage everyday with people from different faiths, people from different cultures, and people with very different opinions and moral views on life in general but time and time again I can sense and see the one thing that we all have in common which is the light of Christ. Today as I knocked door to door in my neighborhood with my kids in hopes to sell bracelets for the Bruno family who have an 8 year old daughter that has been diagnosed with cancer, I have had to stop in between houses and wipe my tears of gratitude for the light of Christ that I have witnessed this evening. Complete strangers from all walks of life, have reached out, supported and expressed their care and love and faith on behalf of an 8 year old stranger. . My 5 year old daughter Reese frequently asked, "why is everyone being so nice mom?" As I tried to compose myself I knelt down on the sidewalk in front of her and looked into her great big blue Jared eyes and said, "because everyone has the light of christ." It's that part of us that wants to do good, the part that we can often reject or battle with but that's always there. I told her that if we don't listen to that part of us over and over again, it will get smaller and smaller and could eventually leave us." I have no idea if she got anything I said but I knew that moment was more for me than for her. 

You guys, I am so grateful for the knowledge that our sufferings in this life are for a greater purpose and once we can see it and feel it and touch it we will say "is that all I had to do to get here?" I know that the light of Christ is real and it's in all of us. I encourage everyone to look for that light in others instead of noticing the differences. I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ I know it's true and that it's promised that anyone who asks with a sincere heart and real intent will come to know as well. 

Love Tiff

We Made It through 2 Years...

On November 30th, 2011 I woke up at 3 am to go turn off the heater upstairs because it was blowing in my face and I could not sleep. After turing it off I turned around and noticed that there was a light on in the room Jared was sleeping in. We slept in different rooms for a few weeks due to my frequent trips to the restroom because of pregnancy and him waking up very early for work. I immediately noticed the light glaring through his door and I thought that was strange considering it was not on when I went to bed at 11pm that night. I decided that I should probably go turn it off thinking he had fallen asleep while reading or something. The second after I opened that door I knew my life had blown up in my face. My dreams, wishes, my little family, hopes, happiness and future was destroyed. I immediately felt anger that something like this was happening when I had just lost my brother tragically and almost lost my dad. I couldn't understand how Heavenly Father would now take my husband and the father of my children.

Alan was there that night. I don't know what I would have done without him being there. As I was frantically trying to find words to explain what the situation was and what happened to the 911 operator (when I myself had no idea what happened and what was going on) I was frozen in the hallway by a very strong feeling of peace which was accompanied by a thought that was so clear it was as if someone were speaking to me saying, "This was right... He is ok." I hurried and ran back to the room where Alan was with Jared thinking that the thought meant that he was going to come back to life like my dad did but the second I saw Jared again I knew that that's not what it meant. After doing everything the lady on the phone directed us to do I made my way downstairs to let in the other team of who knows what to try and help my husband. I could not go back upstairs nor could I handle hearing what was going on. I stayed downstairs and fell on the floor of CHirsty and Alan's room praying to God and Jared. Asking God why in disbelief... Telling Jared to come back and to not leave me here. Although I was in deep agony and pain and was in a state of grave shock, I remember distinctively feeling that same sense of peace I had felt upstairs. It was like all the sudden my mortal eyes had been shut and my eternal eyes had been opened within a matter of minutes during the most horrific time in my life. How strange. There is no rational explanation other than I was literally being carried by Angels and Heavenly Father during a time that one should be trying to figure out how to join the loved one who was taken.

 Alan came rushing downstairs to try and consul me as I rocked back and forth on the floor. He said to me with strength in his voice that he felt very strongly that this was right and that this was supposed to happen. He told me he had a very powerful impression just seconds before I ran into the room the second time. I let him know that I too had that same feeling come over me at the same exact time. We held each other as we both experienced the strangest combination of feelings... shock, pain, despair, peace and the actual process of our mortal eyes closing and our eternal eyes opening as we truly experienced what it FEELS like to understand how temporary this life really is. Who we saw upstairs was not Jared but rather his machine.

The days after that horrific night, were a blur of weeping, screaming, holding and being held by Christy and Alan, forcing myself to eat, planning his services, and of course just making sure I still am breathing for my unborn child Jaclyn and my 16 month old Reese. Although those days continue to haunt me, I cannot and will not deny the healing balm that comes to help carry the load of loss in a massive way as well as any other trial someone may be facing. At times where I should have been in bed all day planning how to end my own life, I was given strength to make certain decisions for his services, I was given strength to get up every morning, eat, laugh a few times, sort through feelings, and have very sacred experiences and insights from Jared and Heavenly Father. I was able to speak at his funeral and then later barry my own husband with gratitude in my heart of the everlasting gospel and the very real knowledge that we will be together again someday. I was able to consul family members and  friends for brief moments, and play with my daughter for a few minutes daily. I was able to see things and understand things in a different perspective that I would have never been able to even comprehend if I had not gone through what I had. I was able to feel gratitude for all of the loved ones who came and sacrificed so much for our family just so they could let us know that we are loved and not alone. I was able to give birth to my second child without being able to hear, see or touch my husband just 6 weeks after our last hug before he went to bed that night. I was able to make very difficult decisions shortly after his death that I can now see as very important stepping stones in getting to where I am today. I was able to meet another man just 5 months after Jared passed and was guided on how to make that even possible. I was directed on how to date, what do to, and ultimately given strength to get married so that my children can have a father figure whom they can see, hear, and touch. With all that said, I KNOW THAT NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN POSSIBLE IF IT WERE NOT FOR HEAVENLY FATHER HIMSELF. I know that all of the above is unheard of and is one big miracle and gift. I know that Heavenly Father knows ME personally and knows what I needed to get through this. I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are real and aware of all of us. As I continually look back and still grieve, and still work through things I know that he is aware of my continued struggles and helps me in sometimes subtle yet significant ways.

When people say "you are amazing Tiff" I feel uncomfortable because I know who really made all of this possible. I cannot take any credit for anything except for turning to him right away. The second I did that my hand was met in the middle by the most caring, merciful, understanding, loving, and forgiving hand of God and although Heavenly Father did not bless me by reviving my husband which is what I asked for, he carried me through what was supposed to be. I am still shocked about all of the miracles that occurred and all that I have been given. I know the whole Johansen family is as well and so Is my family who still sees miracles and tender mercies which help sustain them through what they have been asked to bare. We all have been supported and carried through this and the only thing any of us can take any credit for is making sure that we continued to turn to God and allow him to help instead of letting anger and bitterness take us down.  The second we asked, the second we received. I know that can happen and does happen to those who ask and to those who allow room and let him in. We may not see the help right away, or in ways that we wanted to get help but it is there if we look for it.

I am far from being perfect at ALWAYS relying on God and ALWAYS asking for help and ALWAYS reading my scriptures and ALWAYS having pure and good thoughts and ALWAYS thinking of others before myself... But I do keep trying. And although I come up short every time, I am still loved, still blessed, and he still gives as long as I try and look for the blessings. To me that is the most beautiful thing.

As I reflect today about Jared, this loss, the whole experience and sort through painful feelings and memories, all my thoughts are then drawn to one thing... The one thing that keeps me going. Eternal life, and making sure that me and my family get there and that I do my best with what I CAN DO to get other brothers and sister there as well. That's all that matters. I am not at a point where I can say that I am grateful for this trial, but I will say that I know help is available no matter the struggle, trial, pain, or heartache one experiences. All we have to do is ask for help, stay persistent and remember.

There have been a few times where I have learned of a trial someone is dealing with who is choosing to deal with it alone or does not know any other way to deal with it and therefore carries it alone. It takes everything in me to not shake them and say "there is a way to concur this and a way to grow from this and survive this!" Although I am far from being perfect at doing this, and there are times where I am blinded by my own life and problems to where I look past others, one of my goals in life is to make sure that I do my best in finding another way to help others find that healing source. I hope someday I can be an instrument in the healing process of someone who is suffering like so many of you have done for me and my family.

Yes, only two years have passed and I am expecting the arrival of two more little girls in January. In the eyes of someone looking in, this seems strange that someone could "move on" as fast as I have and now have more children. Others have expressed concern for Bryan because of how we are choosing to view our families as one big family by including everyone in everything and teaching our children that they have two daddies (one here and one in Heaven). Others have thought is is strange that I openly celebrate Jared's and my relationship and love even though I am remarried. Or that I talk about him in front of Bryan and his family. Or that we believe that the twins are just as much Jared's children as they are Bryan's and that I have Bryan's full support on that belief. In fact he was the one who opened my eyes to that thought. Someone even said to me, "Jared isn't here anymore, it's about you and Bryan." But I am here to say that Jared is still here. Jared is a huge part of everything in all of our lives and the fact that we can live our lives this way is yet another gift we have been given to cope. No one has ownership over anyone. Heavenly Father knew that this kind of life style for our particular situation is what we needed and what would help me, the Johansens, and the Bleaks cope and continue on. Therefore, Heavenly Father knew of a very special man, Bryan who was placed in my life and willingly and lovingly accepted me and EVERYONE. Not to mention his family who has effortlessly blended in with all of us. None of this would be possible if I never had the Johansens who love me and Bryan like their own and none of this could be possible if I were not sent to my family the Bleaks who roll with the punches and support all that is good. And of course none of this could have been possible if it weren't for the Cantrells. I am so thankful for the Cantrells who have accepted everything that came along with me. They talk about Jared, they ask about him, they have even helped me think of ways to include the Johansen family with the names of the twins who are coming. WHO DOES THAT! Bryan prays for me to have interaction with Jared and mentions him frequently. One big family is what we are and one big blended family is almost unheard of. Yet again... Another gift. 

 I am grateful for yet another gift given to me which is an awareness of HOW to include everyone and help everyone feel equal and I know the whole family has been blessed with their own awareness of how to make this work as well. We all know that we have been blessed with a different perspective that helps us all.

 I also want to make it known that to me there is no such thing as "moving on" but rather continuing on with both my boys holding my hands and all three families walking side by side with the same goal in mind.

I recognize that my ideal situation for my particular life, does not happen for most widows and widowers. I understand that what I have is rare. I understand that having a husband who allows and WANTS me to continue my relationship with my spirit husband (which is VERY difficult to do) is unheard of. I know that this lifestyle would not work for every widow and/or widower. By me realizing all of this, I seriously pray that we can all work towards being accepting towards others who have different ways of coping and have different ways of living life after a trial.  SOmething that works for me and helps me may not be what's best for someone else and THAT IS OK. We need to be open minded and try our best to look at all angles of such complicated situations and accept how others choose to deal and how they are guided to deal. The only time I feel a need to interfere with how someone chooses to cope with grieving or a trial, is if I feel in my heart to do so or if I can see that what they are doing or not doing is hurting them. I hope we can all do the same because from the perspective of someone who is "looking in" we may not fully understand "why" or "how" but we can push those questions aside and instead listen, accept and learn.

Thank you so much to all of you who have thought about all of us, prayed for us, sent things, expressed love and empathy and have served quietly. Gifts have been given to our family time and time again and one of the biggest tender mercies, is my fellow brothers and sisters who have been the hands of Jared, and been inspired by the spirit to act or pray or think of us in a time of need. Thank you thank you thank you for loving me. Thank you for holding my hand and thank you for being there always. Thank you for being happy and yet sensitive towards what I call my "happysad life" and being willing to learn right along with me.

Love ,

Tiffany Bleak Johansen Cantrell

What's been happening

Dear Family and Friends,

Wow! Where to start?! I just wanted to give everyone an update on what is going on since word of mouth spreads fast. I moved back to Oregon in February for a couple months after Jared passed away and focused on myself, trying to work through feelings and just survive. Doing things like: exercising; eating well; doing one hour of something spiritual daily; talking to Jared spirit to spirit when needed; crying at any time; staying at home away from people; talking through feelings with Christy, Alan, my parents and my friend Erin; attending the temple and putting as much energy and emotions into my kids as I was able, were just a few things that helped me survive. It was not easy and to be perfectly honest, every day was a battle to not want to end my own life. You may be asking yourself, how could a mother of two, who has so much to live for, say something like that? Well when someone is in an immense amount of pain, not much can keep their mind from wanting to release it somehow.

In April my friend Aria came into town for a visit and ended up staying longer than she originally planned because we were having so much fun. This was surprising to me because it was hard to have any kind of fun at that point but Aria introduced it back into my life. During the time she stayed at my house she went out on a few dates with a friend of mine and had a blast. I had fun talking with her about the dates and doing girly things to help her get ready. During this process, I noticed a sense of excitement that started to grow within me concerning dating. I thought a few times, “Maybe dating wouldn’t be so bad” and “It’s kind of fun to get ready for dates.”  

After dropping Aria off at the airport, I came back home and unloaded the girls out of the car and was reminded once again that I have two little girls all by myself with no daddy. Looking into their piercing blue eyes caused additional pain because I felt as though Jared was looking at me through them.  I could feel one of my very frequent melt downs coming on, where the realization of Jared’s passing hits me in the face like a truck and takes every ounce of life out of me. During those times, I immediately know that I need to stop whatever I am doing, call for help and run to a room and let it all out. I called for my mom, who came running down stairs and took the baby, while I ran to my brother Michael’s room, who passed away three years earlier.  I fell on the bed and sobbed in agony, talking to God and telling him how I felt.  I told him that I needed Jared in the room with me and asked if Jared could stop whatever he was doing and come sit with me just for a little while. I then began talking to Jared.  For the first time I felt comfortable saying out loud that I needed a companion to take his place on the earth.  I asked Jared if he would help me find someone to love the girls and me. I knew I could not be alone the rest of my life. I could not believe I was asking that of Jared, my husband, but at the same time, I knew that he was very aware of our needs.   After I let it all out, I started to calm down and was able to stand and continue on.

About two days later my family and I went over to the Morin’s house (my aunt and uncle) for Sunday dinner and for once I actually got ready and wore decent clothes… I know----surprising!  The Morin’s house is always packed with people and that day was no exception. They had invited a guy named Bryan Cantrell, who works for my uncle Pat. I had never met him before so I introduced myself and was later pulled aside by my cousin Megan, asking me if I thought he was “cute.” It felt wrong and weird saying yes but there are just some things you can’t deny…!!!!  She told me that he was single and said that when I was ready, he would love to get my number. WOWWOWOWOW that was hard to hear and felt incredibly weird.  All of a sudden it is ok to be interested in someone other than your husband? How does that work? I used a lot of self-talk to get it through my head that it is ok, if it is something that I feel like I am ready for. I thought about it and realized that it would be nice to have someone to talk to, so I gave Megan the go… About five minutes later I received a text from Bryan and that is where it all started.  A text… Really? Haha…

In the beginning of slowly easing back into the dating world, I made sure that I acted on what I felt comfortable with and stayed away from things that I was not ready for. I was open and very honest about my situation and laid it all out for him, thinking it would scare him away.  It didn’t!!!  I knew it was still so soon since Jared passed away but strangely, I felt excited to hang out with Bryan and get to know him.  I have heard from other widows and widowers that the dating life is terrifying to them and they try to avoid it like the plague. In contrast, it was not scary for me and at first that worried me but my dear friend Erin, who lost her husband just 4 months before I lost mine, told me that I need to be grateful that dating didn’t scare me and to just go with it.  I took her advice and began dating Bryan, being carful to only share and do the things I was comfortable with.  He was patient and willing to go at any pace I set.   

After some dates, I would often come home crying and have another melt down session with Jared, spirit to spirit.  By the next day, I felt renewed and ready for another round. It was hard and yet fun and healing all at the same time.  

Just after one week of meeting Bryan, I went back to California for a couple months to spend time with the Johansen’s and say goodbye to Nate (Jared’s brother) who was leaving on a mission at the time.  I told Bryan that I would see him when I get back and if it feels right we will see where things go. I wanted to use the two months in California to think, pray and fast about whether I should continue dating Bryan.  

While in California, I spent hours analyzing the situation, fasting multiple times, praying for countless hours, attending the temple and getting counsel from others.  It has been my experience that the Lord pushes me to my limit before He gives me direction. He makes sure that I am patient, calm, ready, prepared, having done the homework to the best of my ability, and then in His time, He tells me what He thinks.  Getting it through my thick head is often the hardest part!!!  So finally when I had reached my limit and done my part, I received an answer concerning Bryan.  Most of those experiences are too sacred to share in detail but let’s just say that---I knew I needed to go home and continue to date him. Once that was decided, I was excited and a little nervous but I knew I needed to trust the Lord, shut up and just do it.

Sure enough, after I went home and saw him, we found ourselves wanting to spend practically every moment we could together.  I am so grateful I listened to the Lord and did what He suggested.

I have learned that I am not in charge and that I need to make sure I am working with Heavenly Father in EVERYTHING I do because I know going where He directs will bring happiness even if things get hard.  I will never try and deal my own cards again… Been there, done that and it sucks…!!!   Again, I will not go into detail about some of the experiences I had but I knew I was heading in the right direction despite the fast pace, considering what just happened with Jared.  We continued dating while I was working through feelings with the death of Jared and Bryan has held my hand every step of the way.  As Bryan and I talked about getting married it just felt right. We knew that we needed to confirm our desires with the Lord, so we started asking and looking for an answer. Bryan received his personal answer and I received mine, which brought tears to my eyes and filled my heart once again with gratitude for Jared and his divine role in sending me Bryan and his continual help as I work through the grieving process and try to work out my future.  

Bryan has told me many times that his purpose and desire is not to replace Jared, compete with Jared or diminish my love for Jared but instead add to that love by caring for the girls and me, while providing another father figure as the girls grow and mature.   We trust that everything will all get worked out on the other side following this life, if we will but live righteously the reminder of our lives and do the very best we can.

It would take all the paper in the world to write out everything that I love about Bryan and I am so thankful for the love, acceptance and understanding he has showered on the girls and me in return. 

I share my story with the world because I know there have been hundreds of people who have prayed for me and who have been thinking about me and fasting for me and wanting to help me and my family and I want you all to be part of my life. I also know that people of course are wondering how could someone who loves their husband, who passed away just months ago, marry someone else so soon? I am here to say that it is possible to love more than one person. It is possible to grieve the loss of someone in the arms of someone new.  It is possible to be happy again and yet sad at the same time.  It is possible to combine multiple families together and unite our love and welcome everyone.

I thank Jared and Heavenly Father every night for Bryan. I am so grateful for all that I have.  I am so grateful for God’s plan for me even though it has been incredibly difficult.  I am grateful for Reese and Jac, the Johansen’s, the Bleaks, extended family and friends and the Cantrell’s.  I love you all so much.  

I look forward to Bryan’s and my future together with our little girls, knowing that Jared, Michael and other departed relatives will be guiding and helping us along the way.  I love the Gospel with all of my heart and I would not be where I am today without it.  It is real. There is a plan and it is a wonderful plan that is perfect.  I cannot deny it.  I know Heavenly Father loves me.  I know He cares about me and He is completely aware of me and my struggles and leads me to light every time.

Thank you all so much for going on this journey with me, through the tragedies and the happiness. I love you all so much.

If you are wanting to know more about Jared and what happened click hereWhat happened to Jared for the birth of Jac and what happened there click here Baby Jac 

Tiff

P. S.  We will be married on October 27, 2012 in a simple, small ceremony surrounded by local family and a few close friends.

Bryan and I the night he proposed 

Christy came to town and we all went to the fair and had a BLAST!

 

Prego Time! Great Oden's Raven!

Badabing BadaBOOM and when I mean BOOM I really mean it. I am having a baby mangs! Here are all of the pego pics!

17 Weeks

17 Weeks

 

22 Weeks

22 1/2 Weeks

27 Weeks

26 Weeks

28 Weeks

29 Weeks

31 Weeks

30 Weeks

30 Weeks

32 Weeks

34 Weeks

35 Weeks

36 Weeks

Right after my brother in-law gave his home coming talk in church I started to have contractions ever 4 minutes and rushed home to continue timing them. They became stronger and stronger so I called my Doc and she told me to go to the hospital to get checked! A I was there She accidentally broke my water and told me that I was having this baby either that day or the next. I was in shock! Contractions came on harder and harder so I requested the epidural :)

 See How happy I was? haha

 My nurse kept laughing at me because I kept laughing at all of the nasty things that was going on with my body. I even started laughing when I got my epidural... 

39 Weeks

 Not laughing anymore :)

 After 12 hours in the hospital in active labor Reese Ella-Jane Johansen was born and my life immediately got a million times better. My mom, Christy, Jared and cousin Camille were all in the room when she arrived.

 I prayed for many months that my children would know their Grandpa Bleak. I love this picture 

 Camille is one of my most favorite people in this world. I think we were buds up above. She came at 3 in the morning to take pictures of the birth and I cherish those so much. We were preggers together only due a couple weeks a part from each other. 

Going home was so exciting! kind of scary leaving the nurses but I was lucky I had my mom stay with me for as long as I wanted.

Her first movie was "The Dark Night" :)

First bath! we were so careful! haha

Isn't she the cutest??? 

Milk Drunk for sure!

My mom and I designed this chair! 

Just 10 days later Camille had her baby Claire and she was huge (claire that is...)! but now she is small so I call her "Tines"