Let's Constantly Try to Change for the Better

All right you guys, in the last 8 weeks I have really benefited greatly from a lesson that I taught in Relief Society and it has seriously changed my life. I know I have mentioned to some of you the things I have learned and the new perspective I now have, but I wanted to write it all down because that’s just what I do. I also wanted to share it, in hopes that we can all take a look at our own lives and change the things that hold us back, as well as recognizing improvement because there is lot’s of both!

I initially was really excited when I read the topic to my lesson, which was “Beware of Pride” from Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson. Thinking that I already knew what “Pride,” meant, I learned really quickly that I actually had no idea. I seriously could not stop reading this famous talk on Pride and will DEFINATELY give my children this talk the moment after they graduate from high school, the second after they get married and maybe sneak in a copy or two for a super exciting Christmas gift. Kidding about he gift part… BUT SERIOUSLY, it has changed my life and given me more to overcome and more to work on.  It has also helped me to forgive others who didn’t even know they were hurting me.

This talk can be a little overwhelming to think about everything in its entirety so I have tried to pick one thing (from my long list) to focus on.  Since studying for this lesson, I have given my best effort, in this one area, by catching myself and labeling what I am doing, about to do, or want to do. In other words, I have made every effort to change my behavior from the past. It’s been VERY difficult but has made such a difference in my life and that is why I am sharing it.

The full version of the talk is in the link below. Please, please, please read all of it. If you are like me, I want so badly to make it back to my heavenly home with my family and if the sin of Pride is the one that everyone wakes up to in the morning, then let’s all get to work! Following the talk below, I have shared something personal that I believe everyone can relate to, so please keep reading.

Ezra Taft Benson “Beware of Pride” Conference talk 1989

“Pride is a very misunderstood sin, and many are sinning in ignorance. (See Mosiah 3:11; 3 Ne. 6:18.) In the scriptures there is no such thing as righteous pride—it is always considered a sin. Therefore, no matter how the world uses the term, we must understand how God uses the term so we can understand the language of holy writ and profit thereby. (See 2 Ne. 4:15; Mosiah 1:3–7; Alma 5:61.)

Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing.

The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.

Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God’s. When we direct our pride toward God, it is in the spirit of “my will and not thine be done.” As Paul said, they “seek their own, not the things which are Jesus Christ’s.” (Philip. 2:21.)

Our will in competition to God’s will allows desires, appetites, and passions to go unbridled. (See Alma 38:12; 3 Ne. 12:30.)

The proud cannot accept the authority of God giving direction to their lives. (See Hel. 12:6.) They pit their perceptions of truth against God’s great knowledge, their abilities versus God’s priesthood power, their accomplishments against His mighty works.

Our enmity toward God takes on many labels, such as rebellion, hard-heartedness, stiff-neckedness, unrepentant, puffed up, easily offended, and sign seekers. The proud wish God would agree with them. They aren’t interested in changing their opinions to agree with God’s.

Another major portion of this very prevalent sin of pride is enmity toward our fellowmen. We are tempted daily to elevate ourselves above others and diminish them. (See Hel. 6:17; D&C 58:41.)

The proud make every man their adversary by pitting their intellects, opinions, works, wealth, talents, or any other worldly measuring device against others. In the words of C. S. Lewis: “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. … It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.” (Mere Christianity, New York: Macmillan, 1952, pp. 109–10.)

In the pre-earthly council, Lucifer placed his proposal in competition with the Father’s plan as advocated by Jesus Christ. (See Moses 4:1–3.) He wished to be honored above all others. (See 2 Ne. 24:13.) In short, his prideful desire was to dethrone God. (See D&C 29:36; D&C 76:28.)

The scriptures abound with evidences of the severe consequences of the sin of pride to individuals, groups, cities, and nations. “Pride goeth before destruction.” (Prov. 16:18.) 

Saul became an enemy to David through pride. He was jealous because the crowds of Israelite women were singing that “Saul hath slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands.” (1 Sam. 18:6–8.)

The proud stand more in fear of men’s judgment than of God’s judgment. (See D&C 3:6–7; D&C 30:1–2; D&C 60:2.) “What will men think of me?” weighs heavier than “What will God think of me?”

Fear of men’s judgment manifests itself in competition for men’s approval. The proud love “the praise of men more than the praise of God.” (John 12:42–43.) Our motives for the things we do are where the sin is manifest. Jesus said He did “always those things” that pleased God. (John 8:29.) Would we not do well to have the pleasing of God as our motive rather than to try to elevate ourselves above our brother and outdo another?

Some prideful people are not so concerned as to whether their wages meet their needs as they are that their wages are more than someone else’s. Their reward is being a cut above the rest. This is the enmity of pride.

When pride has a hold on our hearts, we lose our independence of the world and deliver our freedoms to the bondage of men’s judgment. The world shouts louder than the whisperings of the Holy Ghost. The reasoning of men overrides the revelations of God, and the proud let go of the iron rod. (See 1 Ne. 8:19–28; 1 Ne. 11:25; 1 Ne. 15:23–24.)

Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves. Most of us consider pride to be a sin of those on the top, such as the rich and the learned, looking down at the rest of us. (See 2 Ne. 9:42.) There is, however, a far more common ailment among us—and that is pride from the bottom looking up. It is manifest in so many ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous.

Disobedience is essentially a prideful power struggle against someone in authority over us. It can be a parent, a priesthood leader, a teacher, or ultimately God. A proud person hates the fact that someone is above him. He thinks this lowers his position.

Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. “How everything affects me” is the center of all that matters—self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking.

Pride results in secret combinations, which are built up to get power, gain, and glory of the world. (See Hel. 7:5; Ether 8:9, 16, 22–23; Moses 5:31.) This fruit of the sin of pride, namely secret combinations, brought down both the Jaredite and the Nephite civilizations and has been and will yet be the cause of the fall of many nations. (See Ether 8:18–25.)

Another face of pride is contention. Arguments, fights, unrighteous dominion, generation gaps, divorces, spouse abuse, riots, and disturbances all fall into this category of pride.

Contention in our families drives the Spirit of the Lord away. It also drives many of our family members away. Contention ranges from a hostile spoken word to worldwide conflicts. The scriptures tell us that “only by pride cometh contention.” (Prov. 13:10; see also Prov. 28:25.)

The scriptures testify that the proud are easily offended and hold grudges. (See 1 Ne. 16:1–3.) They withhold forgiveness to keep another in their debt and to justify their injured feelings.

The proud do not receive counsel or correction easily. (See Prov. 15:10; Amos 5:10.) Defensiveness is used by them to justify and rationalize their frailties and failures. (See Matt. 3:9; John 6:30–59.)

The proud depend upon the world to tell them whether they have value or not. Their self-esteem is determined by where they are judged to be on the ladders of worldly success. They feel worthwhile as individuals if the numbers beneath them in achievement, talent, beauty, or intellect are large enough. Pride is ugly. It says, “If you succeed, I am a failure.”

If we love God, do His will, and fear His judgment more than men’s, we will have self-esteem.

Pride is a damning sin in the true sense of that word. It limits or stops progression. (See Alma 12:10–11.) The proud are not easily taught. (See 1 Ne. 15:3, 7–11.) They won’t change their minds to accept truths, because to do so implies they have been wrong.

Pride adversely affects all our relationships—our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind. Our degree of pride determines how we treat our God and our brothers and sisters. Christ wants to lift us to where He is. Do we desire to do the same for others?

Pride fades our feelings of sonship to God and brotherhood to man. It separates and divides us by “ranks,” according to our “riches” and our “chances for learning.” (3 Ne. 6:12.) Unity is impossible for a proud people, and unless we are one we are not the Lord’s. (See Mosiah 18:21; D&C 38:27; D&C 105:2–4; Moses 7:18.)

Think of what pride has cost us in the past and what it is now costing us in our own lives, our families, and the Church.

Think of the repentance that could take place with lives changed, marriages preserved, and homes strengthened, if pride did not keep us from confessing our sins and forsaking them. (See D&C 58:43.)

Think of the many who are less active members of the Church because they were offended and their pride will not allow them to forgive or fully sup at the Lord’s table.

Think of the tens of thousands of additional young men and couples who could be on missions except for the pride that keeps them from yielding their hearts unto God. (See Alma 10:6; Hel. 3:34–35.)

Think how temple work would increase if the time spent in this godly service were more important than the many prideful pursuits that compete for our time.

Pride affects all of us at various times and in various degrees.

Pride is the universal sin, the great vice. Yes, pride is the universal sin, the great vice.

The antidote for pride is humility—meekness, submissiveness. (See Alma 7:23.) It is the broken heart and contrite spirit. (See 3 Ne. 9:20; 3 Ne. 12:19; D&C 20:37; D&C 59:8; Ps. 34:18; Isa. 57:15; Isa. 66:2.)

God will have a humble people. Either we can choose to be humble or we can be compelled to be humble. Alma said, “Blessed are they who humble themselves without being compelled to be humble.” (Alma 32:16.)

Let us choose to be humble.

We can choose to humble ourselves by conquering enmity toward our brothers and sisters, esteeming them as ourselves, and lifting them as high or higher than we are. (See D&C 38:24; D&C 81:5; D&C 84:106.)

We can choose to humble ourselves by receiving counsel and chastisement. (See Jacob 4:10; Hel. 15:3; D&C 63:55; D&C 101:4–5; D&C 108:1; D&C 124:61, 84; D&C 136:31; Prov. 9:8.)

We can choose to humble ourselves by forgiving those who have offended us. (See 3 Ne. 13:11, 14; D&C 64:10.)

We can choose to humble ourselves by rendering selfless service. (See Mosiah 2:16–17.)

We can choose to humble ourselves by going on missions and preaching the word that can humble others. (See Alma 4:19; Alma 31:5; Alma 48:20.)

We can choose to humble ourselves by getting to the temple more frequently.

We can choose to humble ourselves by confessing and forsaking our sins and being born of God. (See D&C 58:43; Mosiah 27:25–26; Alma 5:7–14, 49.)

We can choose to humble ourselves by loving God, submitting our will to His, and putting Him first in our lives. (See 3 Ne. 11:11; 3 Ne. 13:33; Moro. 10:32.)

Let us choose to be humble. We can do it. I know we can.

My dear brethren and sisters, we must prepare to redeem Zion. It was essentially the sin of pride that kept us from establishing Zion in the days of the Prophet Joseph Smith. It was the same sin of pride that brought consecration to an end among the Nephites. (See 4 Ne. 1:24–25.)

Pride is the great stumbling block to Zion. I repeat: Pride is the great stumbling block to Zion.”

Isn’t that amazing? Did you find that your prior definition of pride was a tiny portion of what pride truly encompasses? Mine sure was!

A few years ago I met someone who became a dear friend to me and actually turned into someone I greatly relied on to help me get through trials, especially after Jared passed away. I had looked up to this person and always wanted to be like her from the moment I met her. She is truly an amazing humanoid and I was so grateful to be her friend. She is an artist, a student, a reader, an explorer, an example to all around her, a missionary, a fun spontaneous spirit, someone who can exceed any and all expectations no matter where she goes, a beautiful person inside and out, and of course is very successful and wise with finances. On top of that, she has a husband who is loving, funny, supportive, spiritual, successful, and beyond kind and the two of them together are a force to be reckoned with. I’M TELLING YOU—PERFECTION in every way.

I always compared myself to her but still was able to have a close relationship with her and love her like crazy. After Jared passed away, she was there of course to be by my side through thick and thin. I needed her and she knew how to help and be there for me.

During those dark times, sometimes I would sit in the same room with her and as I looked at her, I started noticing that my feelings of looking up to her started to turn to feelings of jealousy because her life seemed so perfect and my life was so broken.

As time went on, I tried to let it go and talk myself out of those feelings but they kept coming up again and again. After learning about new things she was doing, how happy she was, and how everything seemingly went just right in her life, it became harder and harder for me to stay in touch. I became afraid to ask her how she was doing because I couldn’t handle all of the positivity and how perfect her life was, compared to mine.

Instead of enjoying her talents, I started to resent them and withheld any and all compliments to her. It hurt me to see her so happy and whole when I was so broken and lost.

She would text me and ask me how I was doing. When I would open up to her and give her some details about certain decisions I had to make in regards to being a new widow with children, I became offended in what she would say back to me. Instead of noticing that these particular texts were coming from a loving, concerned and yet imperfect person, I read them in a tone that was of course not true to the type of person she is. I read them in a short, insensitive, and rude way and thought to myself, “I would have never said that to someone in my situation.” I held onto what she had said to me and used those correspondences as fuel for my resentment towards her and began not giving her much information at all, when she asked how I was doing.

It has now been 4 years of silence between the two of us and me avoiding any knowledge of what’s going on in her life.  In those 4 years, most of the time, I had even forgotten about the change in our relationship because of the crazy busyness which had become my norm.

MY life had gone on following Jared’s passing in a day-to-day survival mode. Then hope for my earthly happiness came back into my life when I met Bryan. Even with renewed personal hope and happiness, I still just could not let go of my jealously and resentment with my friend from the past. The blame was still on her and what she said and how she displayed her perfect life in front of me when I was hurting so much (when really she didn’t mean to at all). I truly didn’t think this was my problem or even a problem, until 8 weeks ago when imperfect Tiffany was giving a lesson on the topic of pride. Funny how that works…

As you can probably tell, after reading the talk and studying it, I could finally recognize some of the things I was doing in my life that needed to change but at that point I still really didn’t know how much it truly was affecting me. I just thought, “Hey I should probably DO what I am going to be teaching and preaching in this lesson.” But I continued to justify my actions by thinking, “Come on! For 4 years this is the only person I have had any problem with like this, so it sure as heck was because of her and not because of me.” I really spent a lot of time in the justification corner and it wasn’t until I started doing the opposite of what I had been doing for so long, that I realized how much I needed to CHANGE. 

As you may have already learned, another way to spell “change” is like this… “FREAKING HARD.” Agreed? Although changing is very hard and filled with battles and defeats, it IS possible and in fact, expected for us to progress and be ready for Christ’s return.

I began by thinking about all of the things that this particular person had done for me. I made a list and went back in my mind to all the fun times and amazing experiences we have had together. The resentment in my heart for her changed to gratitude for the first time in 4 years. I started to ask her questions that I had wanted to ask, but had withheld due to my jealously of her always knowing everything and being so well informed. These seemingly small gestures toward rekindling our friendship were changing me in amazing ways. I was shocked by the liberating way I began feeling. I thought, “Man I can do this! Go Tiff!” I was ready for more.

I then began asking her how she was doing and was not afraid of her listing out all of the amazing things that she and her husband were accomplishing, and I was genuinely interested. I also started complimenting her on her work and looking for ways to learn tricks in order to improve my own passion. I was again shocked by the difference I felt in myself as I started to let go of something I had carried far too long.

But the thing I noticed the most was that I started to recognize other improvements that needed to be made that were not as easy to see. I noticed little changes in my day-to-day life and started to choose to be more positive and more forgiving. I chose to complain less in my head and turned things around faster. I noticed things I said that I could have said differently and corrected them and said sorry quicker. I gave more compliments to those around me and tried harder to see the good instead of the annoyances. I gave people the benefit of the doubt more and had fewer of those little offended moments you can get randomly, like when something just didn’t sound right and you get a little thorn in your side? Ya know? I was more understanding and forgiving of the imperfect people around me.

The list goes on and on… which all started by just trying to improve one relationship with a friend… pretty incredible how the Lord works. The Lord creates amazing opportunities for growth when we truly try. That is why I say, pick one thing to work on, because once you start working on that one thing, you will be amazed at how lots of other things get better too and start to change.

Please do not misunderstand and think that I am now free from pride. It is not possible to be completely free from pride in this life! Daily moment to moment triumphs and mess-ups are to be expected, but they make all the difference.

I love how President Benson said “Pride is a very misunderstood sin, and many are sinning in ignorance.” So often we are pointing fingers at everyone else and blaming others for “making” us feel the way we do. In reality, the old saying--when you point your finger at someone, you have three-pointed back to you, is actually what’s happening.

How often do we say, “Well if they wouldn’t have said it that way,” or “If they would have just done it this way.” How often do we assume the worst and interpret things wrongly, when if we really thought about it and considered the source, we would KNOW they didn’t mean it that way. Are we quick to get offended? How often do we distance ourselves from others who “seem” to be doing better than ourselves or withhold praise because you might be suffering and you think they aren’t? Do we encourage, uplift and ask questions instead of expecting someone to ask questions about you and your life? Are we open to advice, and able to forgive when someone with good intentions may have said it differently than you would?

How many of you are thinking, “I don’t do that….”? Come on you guys, we either all do or have done at least one and probably several of the above mentioned things and if you read the talk above… congratulations, because your change has already begun!

NOW you are able to take the first step and label that very thought as PRIDE. YAY YOU CAN DO IT! How do you think doing the opposite of what you once did will affect your relationships with your friends and family and ultimately with YOURSELF? What about day to day encounters with the people around you?  Are we too busy comparing our lives to others or are we trying to be happy for them and be grateful for our own lives? Isn’t it weird how some if not all of the above happens more often only around and towards a certain someone?

Since I have been able to recognize what I truly was doing to my friend, I have felt a desire to tell her what has been going on within me. Even though I was terrified to apologize and ask for her forgiveness, I knew I needed to do it anyway. Once I actually told her everything, I waited anxiously for her response and hoped and prayed that Heavenly Father would help her. I knew this would be something that would be hard to hear. She promptly told me she loves me and that she will get back to me when she can and that all of what I said was a lot to process. I started to cry thinking that my actions were causing someone to have to stop and process something but there was nothing I could do except keep praying. The next day she sent me a text reinforcing that she was not upset or angry and expressed gratitude for my honesty and openness with her. She began to tell me that what I said had answered a deep lingering feeling she’s had over the last few years. She said that she had felt like I just didn’t care about her anymore because of the tings I wasn’t doing. Me pulling back caused her pain because she was giving and giving and I was hurting and withholding and avoiding someone I was once very close to. My heart broke again because I had no idea that she had even noticed the changes I made towards her and that it was hurting her so badly.  She also said as much as she tried she was never loved back and that she had to pull back and almost give up because it was such a one-way relationship. She expressed her own apologies for anything that she said that hurt me and I reassured her that this was all my problem and how I interpreted things and not because of what she said or didn’t say. We exchanged messages back and forth and after asking for her forgiveness one more time for hurting her for all those years, she said, “Don’t feel bad anymore Tiff. Let it go. Don’t dwell on it. Thank you for being so open and honest. I love you and forgive you and I am glad to know I have been forgiven as well.” Tears rolled down my cheeks as I read that text. Complete awe and love for this girl filled my body. I sat there and sobbed and thanked the Lord for showing me what I needed to fix in my life and for the change it has made in me and that is also made something right for someone else. I sat there and thought about how rare it is to have someone who has been hurt, forgive so quickly and love unconditionally the way she did. My heart was full of relief and gratitude.

I am so grateful for this opportunity to grow and change. Admitting this story in public is humbling for me and is part of my change. This is something everyone deals with but never wants to talk about. So naturally it’s a little nerve wracking to say the least! I sincerely hope it has helped some of you be able to know the areas in which change needs to happen in your life as it has in mine. I am so grateful for my big brother who sacrificed himself for everyone so that we can change and have it count.  Please look at your relationships that you currently have or that you are pulling away from and make them right. You will feel a burden that is lifted, you will benefit from the love you allow yourself to feel, you will be happier, more caring, and less selfish. I promise you that. Uplift the ones around you, give compliments, ask about others, show your love and appreciation, instead of resenting success of others tell them you are happy for them and ask them questions about it, (you will start to feel what you say) nurture friendships, take responsibility and apologize frequently. Again pick one thing to focus on and change it. You will be amazed at all the other unexpected changes that will occur within you. Frequently listen to General Conference talk. They will help you.  I love, love, love, General Conference. I love it. I encourage everyone to listen to the talks in the car instead of listening to today’s hits. It makes such a difference. I love all of you and your support through the years. I have a family, a ward family, extended family, and my Facebook family--Pretty freaking amazing!