Finding Hope DURING Trial

Part 1: Choices

Life is full of choices. Some choices are a catalyst for significant change, and others have minimal effect.  Some choices leave faithful legacies to the latest generation and some create unimaginable damage and destruction. This past year I have learned more about making choices, especially during trials. I have felt a need to share my experience, in hopes of sparking new insights in you as you navigate through your difficulties.

Let me set the stage—After my brother’s death in 2009, my husband’s death in 2011, and my deep Clinical Depression in 2016, it would have been very easy for me to choose to turn away from God and live in a world of “why me?” After all, my entire world was forever altered. How could God let these terrible things happen? There were many times when I just wanted to be “done.” Despite my sorrow and total brokenness, for some reason, I mustered strength beyond my own and chose instead, to turn to God and that has made all the difference.

Just because I chose to turn to God doesn’t mean the journey has been smooth.  On the contrary, it has been a very difficult and rocky ride. It was in the midst of my darkest hours this past year, when suffering with Clinical Depression, that the Lord taught me a life changing coping skill. The Lord not only gave me the strength to turn to Him when deep difficulty struck, but He taught me the following: “Actively seek the good in the midst of trial.” This entails taking action by searching for all the opportunities to learn in the midst of trial. I believe this is the key to surviving, growing, changing, and getting the most out of anything life throws our way.

It is much easier to see the lessons learned following the trial, but that often takes years. Instead, I learned not to wait, but to stand up, ask, seek, beg, and then obey in the midst of the dark days. By doing this, it is possible to experience the most purposeful and powerful kind of good, which creates powerful opportunities to learn, grow and conquer.

So how do we do this? How on earth could anyone possibly do this? It starts by making that most critical choice to turn to Him and refuse to let anything pull you in any direction other than UP. Without making that choice, you risk the almost inevitable result of being consumed by anger, bitterness, and resentment.  This only leads to dead ends. The miracles happen when we submit to His will, not turning away when our will does not match His. This also includes submitting to His way of helping. The help most often doesn’t come in the ways we think we need relief. Trust in Him. He loves us enough to let us learn.

Let me back up a minute and share how I received the insight of choosing to look for the good, in the midst of trials.  I will do this by zeroing in on my most recent challenge—Clinical Depression. My bout with this beast began in August of 2016 and it was unlike any pain or hardship I ever knew existed. I was not capable of seeing or imagining any good that could possibly come from what my family and I were going through. What was I to learn from lying helplessly in bed for weeks, immobile by emotional and physical pain? I wasn’t able to do anything!  I was literally brain dead for days on end.

I felt hell as I imagined hell feeling. The best way I have found to describe those depressive episodes is by visualizing and imagining the way Joseph Smith may have looked and felt as he fought for his life against Satan in the Sacred Grove.  The “knock out” effect of my medication was my only relief from this misery.  In one particularly intense moment, I looked up at my mom, and the insight came.  I said, “Mom, I have to find the good. I will not survive this unless I find the good and I cannot see it on my own. He has to show me.”  My kids, my husband, my mom, dad and brothers were all suffering because of me. I had to find the good.  At that moment I couldn’t even imagine what good I would find.

The next day as I continued battling for life itself, I began seeing “opportunities to learn” in the midst of my trial.  These particular lessons often had little to do with my Clinical Depression.  I learned the importance of keeping an opened mind, having no expectations, and looking for anything. As time slowly crept by, I miraculously was shown the good, which came in many different shapes and forms DURING (not months/years after) my trial.  This learning brought so much purpose to my suffering and the suffering of my family. Below is a short list of some of the good the Lord showed me as I received strength through Him to seek, and learn. I hope these examples can spark a light for those who are currently walking through the refiners fire or for those who may be at the onset of a difficult test.

-Awareness came of disguised habits that were curtailing my spiritual progress.  (This will be the topic of a forthcoming post, Part 2)

-The Lord blessed me to have meaningful, and life changing conversations with strangers and family members, that most likely would not have taken place, if not for my own suffering.

-Symptoms of my own illness were sometimes lifted, allowing me to comfort, understand, and validate others who were suffering from mental illness, loss, lack of faith, loneliness, etc.

-I gained a deeper level of compassion towards EVERYONE AROUND ME. The understanding that we cannot possibly know what each person is going through, hit me with power. For this reason, I was reminded, it is critical we are kind, forgiving, and careful with what we say and do.

-As my family worked and prayed together in order to help me, we drew closer together, instead of my illness weighing everyone down.

My Michael Blanket (all of his clothes)

-As time went on I gained enough strength to see my children and spent more time with them. I had gone 2 weeks without seeing them or talking to them. I would call my husband just so I could hear their voices in the background but even that was too painful. Knowing I could not be with them and having a fear that I wasn't going to make it brought a deep worry and sadness but I continued on into war zone and fought for faith. My worry and fears turned into a renewed devotion to living in the moment and not being distracted by things that don’t matter. 

I do not remember taking most of these pictures because I was on so much medication to keep me stable. For that reason they mean so much more to me. I can have snippets of me in the middle of the battle... candid reminders that anything is possible with Him.

This was one of the moments I had yearned for in my darkest hours... actually being able to pick up my daughter from the bus stop was no longer a mundane thing but was a gift.

After those two weeks, and during my 20 mins of slight relief, I was finally able to have a short visit with my twins. I was so grateful.

-Many times forces of strength beyond my own picked me up off the floor as I was crippled by despair. One particular experience took place after another one of my darkest moments when I literally had to fight for my life again. When I felt like I couldn't take anymore, the emergency medication started to kick in and I could finally breath and sit up. I had remembered watching my dad walk out of the room at the onset of this depressive episode with a worried and defeated look on his face. I knew he was feeling deep sorrow on my behalf and also felt so bad that he was going through all of this again only this time it was me and not Michael. I got up off the floor and went to find him so I could let him know that I was ok. I found my dad on his knees pleading with the Lord... That image broke my heart and yet it was so powerful to me at the same time. I walked into the room and helped him up off the floor. As we cried in each others arms, I was overcome with gratitude for the strength I was given so that I could pick my dad up off the floor and tell him how much I love him. I remember feeling in awe of how real everything that I had been taught all my life really was... I mean, how is it possible for me to be pleading for release from this life one minute, and the next standing up and holding my dad while feeling an overwhelming amount of gratitude in my heart... There is no other explanation than divine intervention and grace.

-During the time I was away from my kids and under 24/7 surveillance, I was given insight during my 20 mins of relief that I had each day to create meaningful, sacred pieces of art for my home. Every time I look at those pictures I am reminded of miracles, love, strength, and all that I have learned and all that my family has learned. I am reminded of the seemingly impossible that becomes possible and the way it feels to let go and trust. I was able to create visual representations of eternal purpose in our suffering DURING a time where my suffering was the deepest it had ever been.

-I had signed up my oldest daughter to start playing soccer long before my fall. When the season started, I was still fighting for my life not knowing what each day was going to bring. Many times, I thought I was not going to be able to attend her games as I laid on the floor paralyzed by the dark cloud yet, right before each game started I felt that burden lift from me just enough for me to get up and support her. I never missed a game. 

-My family was a witness of the Lord working through others, as countless reached out in efforts to help carry our burdens. Facebook messages, emails, text messages, treats, phone calls, fasting and prayer, and an entire filing system filled with family home evening lessons and activities just to name a few. 

-Numerous evidences were given that the Lord was by my side, even though at times I felt very much alone.  I realized that sometimes the Savior makes himself less evident so we can learn, and be refined.

-I was taught more deeply the importance of surrendering to His will and not sitting and stewing in the world of, “my will.” With that learning came liberation, strength and determination to get an A on this assignment from the Lord.

-An unwavering understanding grew of the Savior’s awareness of every single person on this planet.  I felt stronger than ever that His individual love for each person was more than anyone could possibly comprehend. 

-I cheered as other family members felt many of the above listed blessings.  For instance: As my husband tried to help alleviate my suffering, he became more compassionate towards others, broadening his scope of Christ-like love.

The list goes on and on…

I hope that anyone who reads this will choose to stand and be an active student in seeking for the good and searching for opportunities to learn in the midst of painful remodeling moments. It is then when we are being polished by the loving and merciful hands of our Savior, who meets and greets every soul who simply tries in however way they can. The inspiration, knowledge, and refining that took place at the onset of my choice to submit my will to His and seek out the good, gave my suffering purpose.

Alma 26:12 rings true more than ever… “Yea, I know I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in His strength I can do all things . . .”

Because of Him I am alive. Because of Him I can make hard yet life-changing choices. Because of Him I can learn and grow in the midst of unimaginable circumstances. Because of Him I know I can be together with my entire family forever. There are no words that could possibly describe my love for Him and my love for all of you, and that has made all the difference.