Part 1: Choices
Life is full of choices.
Some choices are a catalyst for
significant change, and others have minimal effect. Some choices
leave faithful legacies to the latest generation and some create unimaginable
damage and destruction. This past year I have learned more about making choices, especially during trials. I
have felt a need to share my experience, in hopes of sparking new insights in
you as you navigate through your difficulties.
Let me set the stage—After my brother’s death in 2009, my
husband’s death in 2011, and my deep Clinical Depression in 2016, it would have
been very easy for me to choose to
turn away from God and live in a world of “why me?” After all, my entire world
was forever altered. How could God let these terrible things happen? There were
many times when I just wanted to be “done.” Despite my sorrow and total
brokenness, for some reason, I mustered strength beyond my own and chose instead, to turn to God and that
has made all the difference.
Just because I chose
to turn to God doesn’t mean the journey has been smooth. On the contrary, it has been a very difficult
and rocky ride. It was in the midst of
my darkest hours this past year, when suffering with Clinical Depression, that
the Lord taught me a life changing coping skill. The Lord not only gave me the
strength to turn to Him when deep difficulty struck, but He taught me the
following: “Actively seek the good in the midst of trial.” This entails
taking action by searching for all the opportunities to learn in the midst of trial. I believe this is
the key to surviving, growing, changing, and getting the most out of anything
life throws our way.
It is much easier to see the lessons learned following the
trial, but that often takes years. Instead, I learned not to wait, but to stand
up, ask, seek, beg, and then obey in the midst of the dark days. By doing this,
it is possible to experience the most purposeful and powerful kind of good,
which creates powerful opportunities to learn, grow and conquer.
So how do we do this? How on earth could anyone possibly do
this? It starts by making that most critical choice to turn to Him and refuse to let anything pull you in any
direction other than UP. Without
making that choice, you risk the
almost inevitable result of being consumed by anger, bitterness, and
resentment. This only leads to dead
ends. The miracles happen when we submit to
His will, not turning away when our will does not match His. This also
includes submitting to His way of helping. The help most often doesn’t come in
the ways we think we need relief. Trust in Him. He loves us enough to let us
learn.
Let me back up a minute and share how I received the insight
of choosing to look for the good, in
the midst of trials. I will do this by zeroing in on my most recent
challenge—Clinical Depression. My bout with this beast began in August of 2016
and it was unlike any pain or hardship I ever knew existed. I was not capable
of seeing or imagining any good that could possibly come from what my family
and I were going through. What was I to learn from lying helplessly in bed for
weeks, immobile by emotional and physical pain? I wasn’t able to do
anything! I was literally brain dead for
days on end.
I felt hell as I imagined hell feeling. The best way I have found
to describe those depressive episodes is by visualizing and imagining the way
Joseph Smith may have looked and felt as he fought for his life against Satan
in the Sacred Grove. The “knock out”
effect of my medication was my only relief from this misery. In one particularly intense moment, I looked
up at my mom, and the insight came. I
said, “Mom, I have to find the good. I will not survive this unless I find the
good and I cannot see it on my own. He has to show me.” My kids, my husband, my mom, dad and brothers
were all suffering because of me. I had to find the good. At that moment I couldn’t even imagine what
good I would find.
The next day as I continued battling for life itself, I
began seeing “opportunities to learn” in the midst of my trial. These particular lessons often had little to
do with my Clinical Depression. I
learned the importance of keeping an opened mind, having no expectations, and
looking for anything. As time slowly crept by, I miraculously was shown the good,
which came in many different shapes and forms DURING (not months/years after) my trial. This learning brought so much purpose to my
suffering and the suffering of my family. Below is a short list of some of the
good the Lord showed me as I received strength through Him to seek, and learn. I
hope these examples can spark a light for those who are currently walking
through the refiners fire or for those who may be at the onset of a difficult
test.
-Awareness came of disguised habits that were curtailing my
spiritual progress. (This will be the
topic of a forthcoming post, Part 2)
-The Lord blessed me to have meaningful, and life changing
conversations with strangers and family members, that most likely would not
have taken place, if not for my own suffering.
-Symptoms of my own illness were sometimes lifted, allowing
me to comfort, understand, and validate others who were suffering from mental
illness, loss, lack of faith, loneliness, etc.
-I gained a deeper level of compassion towards EVERYONE
AROUND ME. The understanding that we cannot possibly know what each person is
going through, hit me with power. For this reason, I was reminded, it is
critical we are kind, forgiving, and careful with what we say and do.
-As my family worked and prayed together in order to help
me, we drew closer together, instead of my illness weighing everyone down.
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| My Michael Blanket (all of his clothes) |
-As time went on I gained enough strength to see my children and spent more time with them. I had gone 2 weeks without seeing them or talking to them. I would call my husband just so I could hear their voices in the background but even that was too painful. Knowing I could not be with them and having a fear that I wasn't going to make it brought a deep worry and sadness but I continued on into war zone and fought for faith. My worry and fears turned into a renewed devotion to living in the moment and not being distracted by things that don’t matter.
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| I do not remember taking most of these pictures because I was on so much medication to keep me stable. For that reason they mean so much more to me. I can have snippets of me in the middle of the battle... candid reminders that anything is possible with Him. |
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| This was one of the moments I had yearned for in my darkest hours... actually being able to pick up my daughter from the bus stop was no longer a mundane thing but was a gift. |
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| After those two weeks, and during my 20 mins of slight relief, I was finally able to have a short visit with my twins. I was so grateful. |
-Many times forces of strength beyond my own picked me up off
the floor as I was crippled by despair. One particular experience took place after another one of my darkest moments when I literally had to fight for my life again. When I felt like I couldn't take anymore, the emergency medication started to kick in and I could finally breath and sit up. I had remembered watching my dad walk out of the room at the onset of this depressive episode with a worried and defeated look on his face. I knew he was feeling deep sorrow on my behalf and also felt so bad that he was going through all of this again only this time it was me and not Michael. I got up off the floor and went to find him so I could let him know that I was ok. I found my dad on his knees pleading with the Lord... That image broke my heart and yet it was so powerful to me at the same time. I walked into the room and helped him up off the floor. As we cried in each others arms, I was overcome with gratitude for the strength I was given so that I could pick my dad up off the floor and tell him how much I love him. I remember feeling in awe of how real everything that I had been taught all my life really was... I mean, how is it possible for me to be pleading for release from this life one minute, and the next standing up and holding my dad while feeling an overwhelming amount of gratitude in my heart... There is no other explanation than divine intervention and grace.
-During the time I was away from my kids and under 24/7 surveillance, I was given insight during my 20 mins of relief that I had each day to create meaningful, sacred pieces of art for my home. Every time I look at those pictures I am reminded of miracles, love, strength, and all that I have learned and all that my family has learned. I am reminded of the seemingly impossible that becomes possible and the way it feels to let go and trust. I was able to create visual representations of eternal purpose in our suffering DURING a time where my suffering was the deepest it had ever been.
-I had signed up my oldest daughter to start playing soccer long before my fall. When the season started, I was still fighting for my life not knowing what each day was going to bring. Many times, I thought I was not going to be able to attend her games as I laid on the floor paralyzed by the dark cloud yet, right before each game started I felt that burden lift from me just enough for me to get up and support her. I never missed a game.
-My family was a witness of the Lord working through others,
as countless reached out in efforts to help carry our burdens. Facebook messages, emails, text messages, treats, phone calls, fasting and prayer, and an entire filing system filled with family home evening lessons and activities just to name a few.
-Numerous evidences were given that the Lord was by my side,
even though at times I felt very much alone. I realized that sometimes the Savior makes
himself less evident so we can learn, and be refined.
-I was taught more deeply the importance of surrendering to
His will and not sitting and stewing in the world of, “my will.” With that
learning came liberation, strength and determination to get an A on this assignment from the Lord.
-An unwavering understanding grew of the Savior’s awareness
of every single person on this planet. I
felt stronger than ever that His individual love for each person was more than
anyone could possibly comprehend.
-I cheered as other family members felt many of the above
listed blessings. For instance: As my
husband tried to help alleviate my suffering, he became more compassionate
towards others, broadening his scope of Christ-like love.
The list goes on and on…
I hope that anyone who reads this will choose to stand and be an active student in seeking for the good
and searching for opportunities to learn in the midst of painful
remodeling moments. It is then when we are being polished by the loving and
merciful hands of our Savior, who meets and greets every soul who simply tries
in however way they can. The inspiration, knowledge, and refining that took
place at the onset of my choice to
submit my will to His and seek out the good, gave my suffering purpose.
Alma 26:12 rings true more than ever… “Yea, I know I am nothing;
as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will
boast of my God, for in His strength I can do all things . . .”
Because of Him I am alive. Because of Him I can make hard
yet life-changing choices. Because
of Him I can learn and grow in the midst
of unimaginable circumstances. Because of Him I know I can be together with my
entire family forever. There are no words that could possibly describe my love
for Him and my love for all of you, and that has made all the difference.
