You
would think that after my brother took his own life in 2009, I would have
learned that I am not in control of anything. It wasn’t till November 30, 2011,
after my 27-year-old husband passed away in his sleep, that I learned that very
important lesson. All of the sudden, I was now faced with making difficult
decisions alone. I had a 1-½ year old daughter and another daughter due in six
weeks. I didn’t know where to go, what to do or how I was going to provide for
my family. My life had been shattered in a matter of seconds. All my previous
plans, hopes and aspirations seemed to just disappear. I had never felt so lost,
so broken and so alone. More than ever before, I needed the Lord to sustain me
but at that time I really did not know what that even felt like or truly meant.
I
had always been taught that the Lord would guide us if we asked Him and aligned
our lives to be worthy of that guidance. I quickly evaluated my life and
realized that many things in my life needed to change in order for me to receive
that very much needed and promised guidance.
I
first started to change my prayers from occasional and repetitive morning and
night prayers to what I call “all day prayers”. In addition to more consistent
prayers, which became much more sincere, I would say quick, short prayers frequently
throughout the day in my head or on my knees. I frequently asked Him to open my
eyes and let me see miracles.
I
changed from listening to today’s musical hits to finding more time and ways to
read or listen to uplifting material, and stay consistent and persistent in
asking the Lord to stay by my side. I frequently told myself, “I believe the
Lord will answer me and that He is there for me.” I constantly would remind
myself that I needed to be patient, have faith and not give up no matter how emotionally,
and physically tired I was.
My
efforts to deepen my relationship with Deity, started to open up a whole new
world and quality of life for me. All that I had been taught in my life about
God’s love for His children and His desire to bless them, started to become my very
own reality. My actions led to an almost tangible two-way communication and
relationship with my loving Heavenly Father and His son, my Savior. It became
more than something I learned about in church and in conference talks. I was
actually experiencing the truth of my childhood upbringing.
During
my indescribably painful moments, my fervent and frequent prayers led me to
read material that gave me hope, strength and understanding to help me survive
my difficult situation.
There
were times where I felt the pain of loss much stronger and for longer periods
of times than others. One particular time I was feeling a degree of pain and
loss that I had never even knew existed and I just couldn’t understand why the
Lord was allowing me to be in so much pain for what seemed like an eternity,
before some kind of relief would come. In my last attempt to survive, I put all
my energy I had left into focusing my “all day prayers” on that very question.
“Where are you Lord? Why must I suffer for so long before I feel some kind of
relief? Later that night my brother Mark
felt prompted to call and tell me about a book by S. Michael Wilcox called “The
Fourth Watch.” Brother Wilcox uses the story in the New Testament of the Savior
walking on the water to illustrate a principle.
Christ’s disciples frequently crossed the Sea of Galilee but one
particular time they ran into a storm that grew bigger and stronger. At their
peak of being filled with fear and terror of losing their lives, Christ had
been watching them from shore the entire time and started on His way to save
them. As President Hunter explained, “They cried out in terror at the sight,
thinking that it was a phantom that walked upon the waves. And through the
storm and darkness, as so often to us when amid the darkness of life, when the
ocean seems so great and our little boat so small – there came the ultimate and
reassuring voice of peace with this simple declaration, “It is I; be not
afraid.” Peter exclaimed, “Lord if it be thou, Bid me come unto thee on the
water.” And Christ’s answer to him was the same to all of us : “come.” Peter
sprang over the vessel’s side and into the troubled waves, and while his eyes
were fixed upon the Lord, the wind might toss his hair and the spray might
drench his robes, but all was well. Only when with wavering faith he removed
his glance from the master to look at the furious waves and the black gulf
beneath him, only then did he begin to sink. Again, like most of us, he cried,
“lord, save me.” Nor did Jesus fail him. He stretched out his hand and grasped
the drowning disciple.
Mark
explained to me, instead of expecting Him to come immediately and take away any
and all pain the moment we start to struggle, He often walks with us through
the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd watch and then comes to
our rescue on the fourth, when we have grown, been proven, and been polished. Often times we get discouraged and tired and give up at the 3rd watch but if we would have held on and not wavered like peter did we will not drown. I
went to sleep trying to put all the faith into believing what my brother said. Like the disciples on the water, I too was at my peak of physical, metal and emotional pain. The next day I felt the healing power of my savior who had come to lift me from the darkest of sorrow I had ever felt. I now was feeling that sweet, almost strange feeling of peace
in the middle of unthinkable tragedy. I knew Christ had come and saved me. I
looked back at those two days and found all the things I learned and knew that
there was no other way.
Little
did I know, this newfound perspective became my ray of hope during many more times where I felt like I
couldn’t go on.
As
my ability to be patient and my desire to include Heavenly Father and the Savior
in my life grew, I actually started to notice all of the miracles that had been
happening all around me. Some that were new and some that had always been
there. Things that I once thought were coincidences became my personal
miracles. I received strength to speak at my own husband’s funeral; gave birth
to another child without her father physically there; comforted those who came
to comfort me; recognized their hand in my life as they answered questions
through scripture, friends, thoughts and feelings; felt moments of incredible
peace during times when I should have been engulfed in despair.
As I
received my own personal revelation, I did my best to trust it and act on it,
although doubt sometimes crept in. I did what I once thought was impossible and
was shocked at how possible things became once I started to include Heavenly
Father and the Savior, noticing them in every detail of my life.
In
this life, we may not ever witness bold miracles, but I have learned that is
not what we should be looking for. A miracle can be something as subtle as a timely
hug from a friend, which brought comfort; an answer to a prayer; saying “no”
when saying “yes” would have been so much easier. A miracle could be a time when
you did something you once thought impossible, but you did it anyway because
you knew the Lord was on your side.
I
often feel uncomfortable when others around me express their disbelief at my
strength to endure trials, because I know what they view as “my strength” is
not really mine. I love the scripture in Alma 26:12 which reads, “Yea, I know I
am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself,
but I will boast of my God, for in His strength I can do all things.”
The
words of Elder Holland ring true to my heart when he said, “Don't you
quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead.
Some blessings come soon, some come late. Some don't come until heaven; but for
those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be all right
in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come.” (“An High
Priest of Good Things to Come”, Ensign, October 1999)
As
time went on, I continued to use my new skills and my new relationship with
Heavenly Father to guide me step by step to where I am today. I am nowhere near perfect, I have to correct myself, say sorry, and redirect thoughts and my entire life frequently but the effort makes all the difference. It is not easy,
It is not immediate, but it is real and available to all. What IS easy is to forget who gave US everything we have while things seems to be going jus right. Never forget who gave us the next breath we breath and who loves us more than we could possibly comprehend.
Love,
Tiffany Bleak Johansen Cantrell
