Alan was there that night. I don't know what I would have done without him being there. As I was frantically trying to find words to explain what the situation was and what happened to the 911 operator (when I myself had no idea what happened and what was going on) I was frozen in the hallway by a very strong feeling of peace which was accompanied by a thought that was so clear it was as if someone were speaking to me saying, "This was right... He is ok." I hurried and ran back to the room where Alan was with Jared thinking that the thought meant that he was going to come back to life like my dad did but the second I saw Jared again I knew that that's not what it meant. After doing everything the lady on the phone directed us to do I made my way downstairs to let in the other team of who knows what to try and help my husband. I could not go back upstairs nor could I handle hearing what was going on. I stayed downstairs and fell on the floor of CHirsty and Alan's room praying to God and Jared. Asking God why in disbelief... Telling Jared to come back and to not leave me here. Although I was in deep agony and pain and was in a state of grave shock, I remember distinctively feeling that same sense of peace I had felt upstairs. It was like all the sudden my mortal eyes had been shut and my eternal eyes had been opened within a matter of minutes during the most horrific time in my life. How strange. There is no rational explanation other than I was literally being carried by Angels and Heavenly Father during a time that one should be trying to figure out how to join the loved one who was taken.
Alan came rushing downstairs to try and consul me as I rocked back and forth on the floor. He said to me with strength in his voice that he felt very strongly that this was right and that this was supposed to happen. He told me he had a very powerful impression just seconds before I ran into the room the second time. I let him know that I too had that same feeling come over me at the same exact time. We held each other as we both experienced the strangest combination of feelings... shock, pain, despair, peace and the actual process of our mortal eyes closing and our eternal eyes opening as we truly experienced what it FEELS like to understand how temporary this life really is. Who we saw upstairs was not Jared but rather his machine.
The days after that horrific night, were a blur of weeping, screaming, holding and being held by Christy and Alan, forcing myself to eat, planning his services, and of course just making sure I still am breathing for my unborn child Jaclyn and my 16 month old Reese. Although those days continue to haunt me, I cannot and will not deny the healing balm that comes to help carry the load of loss in a massive way as well as any other trial someone may be facing. At times where I should have been in bed all day planning how to end my own life, I was given strength to make certain decisions for his services, I was given strength to get up every morning, eat, laugh a few times, sort through feelings, and have very sacred experiences and insights from Jared and Heavenly Father. I was able to speak at his funeral and then later barry my own husband with gratitude in my heart of the everlasting gospel and the very real knowledge that we will be together again someday. I was able to consul family members and friends for brief moments, and play with my daughter for a few minutes daily. I was able to see things and understand things in a different perspective that I would have never been able to even comprehend if I had not gone through what I had. I was able to feel gratitude for all of the loved ones who came and sacrificed so much for our family just so they could let us know that we are loved and not alone. I was able to give birth to my second child without being able to hear, see or touch my husband just 6 weeks after our last hug before he went to bed that night. I was able to make very difficult decisions shortly after his death that I can now see as very important stepping stones in getting to where I am today. I was able to meet another man just 5 months after Jared passed and was guided on how to make that even possible. I was directed on how to date, what do to, and ultimately given strength to get married so that my children can have a father figure whom they can see, hear, and touch. With all that said, I KNOW THAT NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN POSSIBLE IF IT WERE NOT FOR HEAVENLY FATHER HIMSELF. I know that all of the above is unheard of and is one big miracle and gift. I know that Heavenly Father knows ME personally and knows what I needed to get through this. I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are real and aware of all of us. As I continually look back and still grieve, and still work through things I know that he is aware of my continued struggles and helps me in sometimes subtle yet significant ways.
When people say "you are amazing Tiff" I feel uncomfortable because I know who really made all of this possible. I cannot take any credit for anything except for turning to him right away. The second I did that my hand was met in the middle by the most caring, merciful, understanding, loving, and forgiving hand of God and although Heavenly Father did not bless me by reviving my husband which is what I asked for, he carried me through what was supposed to be. I am still shocked about all of the miracles that occurred and all that I have been given. I know the whole Johansen family is as well and so Is my family who still sees miracles and tender mercies which help sustain them through what they have been asked to bare. We all have been supported and carried through this and the only thing any of us can take any credit for is making sure that we continued to turn to God and allow him to help instead of letting anger and bitterness take us down. The second we asked, the second we received. I know that can happen and does happen to those who ask and to those who allow room and let him in. We may not see the help right away, or in ways that we wanted to get help but it is there if we look for it.
I am far from being perfect at ALWAYS relying on God and ALWAYS asking for help and ALWAYS reading my scriptures and ALWAYS having pure and good thoughts and ALWAYS thinking of others before myself... But I do keep trying. And although I come up short every time, I am still loved, still blessed, and he still gives as long as I try and look for the blessings. To me that is the most beautiful thing.
As I reflect today about Jared, this loss, the whole experience and sort through painful feelings and memories, all my thoughts are then drawn to one thing... The one thing that keeps me going. Eternal life, and making sure that me and my family get there and that I do my best with what I CAN DO to get other brothers and sister there as well. That's all that matters. I am not at a point where I can say that I am grateful for this trial, but I will say that I know help is available no matter the struggle, trial, pain, or heartache one experiences. All we have to do is ask for help, stay persistent and remember.
There have been a few times where I have learned of a trial someone is dealing with who is choosing to deal with it alone or does not know any other way to deal with it and therefore carries it alone. It takes everything in me to not shake them and say "there is a way to concur this and a way to grow from this and survive this!" Although I am far from being perfect at doing this, and there are times where I am blinded by my own life and problems to where I look past others, one of my goals in life is to make sure that I do my best in finding another way to help others find that healing source. I hope someday I can be an instrument in the healing process of someone who is suffering like so many of you have done for me and my family.
Yes, only two years have passed and I am expecting the arrival of two more little girls in January. In the eyes of someone looking in, this seems strange that someone could "move on" as fast as I have and now have more children. Others have expressed concern for Bryan because of how we are choosing to view our families as one big family by including everyone in everything and teaching our children that they have two daddies (one here and one in Heaven). Others have thought is is strange that I openly celebrate Jared's and my relationship and love even though I am remarried. Or that I talk about him in front of Bryan and his family. Or that we believe that the twins are just as much Jared's children as they are Bryan's and that I have Bryan's full support on that belief. In fact he was the one who opened my eyes to that thought. Someone even said to me, "Jared isn't here anymore, it's about you and Bryan." But I am here to say that Jared is still here. Jared is a huge part of everything in all of our lives and the fact that we can live our lives this way is yet another gift we have been given to cope. No one has ownership over anyone. Heavenly Father knew that this kind of life style for our particular situation is what we needed and what would help me, the Johansens, and the Bleaks cope and continue on. Therefore, Heavenly Father knew of a very special man, Bryan who was placed in my life and willingly and lovingly accepted me and EVERYONE. Not to mention his family who has effortlessly blended in with all of us. None of this would be possible if I never had the Johansens who love me and Bryan like their own and none of this could be possible if I were not sent to my family the Bleaks who roll with the punches and support all that is good. And of course none of this could have been possible if it weren't for the Cantrells. I am so thankful for the Cantrells who have accepted everything that came along with me. They talk about Jared, they ask about him, they have even helped me think of ways to include the Johansen family with the names of the twins who are coming. WHO DOES THAT! Bryan prays for me to have interaction with Jared and mentions him frequently. One big family is what we are and one big blended family is almost unheard of. Yet again... Another gift.
I am grateful for yet another gift given to me which is an awareness of HOW to include everyone and help everyone feel equal and I know the whole family has been blessed with their own awareness of how to make this work as well. We all know that we have been blessed with a different perspective that helps us all.
I also want to make it known that to me there is no such thing as "moving on" but rather continuing on with both my boys holding my hands and all three families walking side by side with the same goal in mind.
I recognize that my ideal situation for my particular life, does not happen for most widows and widowers. I understand that what I have is rare. I understand that having a husband who allows and WANTS me to continue my relationship with my spirit husband (which is VERY difficult to do) is unheard of. I know that this lifestyle would not work for every widow and/or widower. By me realizing all of this, I seriously pray that we can all work towards being accepting towards others who have different ways of coping and have different ways of living life after a trial. SOmething that works for me and helps me may not be what's best for someone else and THAT IS OK. We need to be open minded and try our best to look at all angles of such complicated situations and accept how others choose to deal and how they are guided to deal. The only time I feel a need to interfere with how someone chooses to cope with grieving or a trial, is if I feel in my heart to do so or if I can see that what they are doing or not doing is hurting them. I hope we can all do the same because from the perspective of someone who is "looking in" we may not fully understand "why" or "how" but we can push those questions aside and instead listen, accept and learn.
Thank you so much to all of you who have thought about all of us, prayed for us, sent things, expressed love and empathy and have served quietly. Gifts have been given to our family time and time again and one of the biggest tender mercies, is my fellow brothers and sisters who have been the hands of Jared, and been inspired by the spirit to act or pray or think of us in a time of need. Thank you thank you thank you for loving me. Thank you for holding my hand and thank you for being there always. Thank you for being happy and yet sensitive towards what I call my "happysad life" and being willing to learn right along with me.
Love ,
Tiffany Bleak Johansen Cantrell
