Tiffany Bleak Johansen Cantrell: 2012

Dear Family and Friends,

Wow! Where to start?! I just wanted to give everyone an update on what is going on since word of mouth spreads fast. I moved back to Oregon in February for a couple months after Jared passed away and focused on myself, trying to work through feelings and just survive. Doing things like: exercising; eating well; doing one hour of something spiritual daily; talking to Jared spirit to spirit when needed; crying at any time; staying at home away from people; talking through feelings with Christy, Alan, my parents and my friend Erin; attending the temple and putting as much energy and emotions into my kids as I was able, were just a few things that helped me survive. It was not easy and to be perfectly honest, every day was a battle to not want to end my own life. You may be asking yourself, how could a mother of two, who has so much to live for, say something like that? Well when someone is in an immense amount of pain, not much can keep their mind from wanting to release it somehow.

In April my friend Aria came into town for a visit and ended up staying longer than she originally planned because we were having so much fun. This was surprising to me because it was hard to have any kind of fun at that point but Aria introduced it back into my life. During the time she stayed at my house she went out on a few dates with a friend of mine and had a blast. I had fun talking with her about the dates and doing girly things to help her get ready. During this process, I noticed a sense of excitement that started to grow within me concerning dating. I thought a few times, “Maybe dating wouldn’t be so bad” and “It’s kind of fun to get ready for dates.”

After dropping Aria off at the airport, I came back home and unloaded the girls out of the car and was reminded once again that I have two little girls all by myself with no daddy. Looking into their piercing blue eyes caused additional pain because I felt as though Jared was looking at me through them. I could feel one of my very frequent melt downs coming on, where the realization of Jared’s passing hits me in the face like a truck and takes every ounce of life out of me. During those times, I immediately know that I need to stop whatever I am doing, call for help and run to a room and let it all out. I called for my mom, who came running down stairs and took the baby, while I ran to my brother Michael’s room, who passed away three years earlier. I fell on the bed and sobbed in agony, talking to God and telling him how I felt. I told him that I needed Jared in the room with me and asked if Jared could stop whatever he was doing and come sit with me just for a little while. I then began talking to Jared. For the first time I felt comfortable saying out loud that I needed a companion to take his place on the earth. I asked Jared if he would help me find someone to love the girls and me. I knew I could not be alone the rest of my life. I could not believe I was asking that of Jared, my husband, but at the same time, I knew that he was very aware of our needs. After I let it all out, I started to calm down and was able to stand and continue on.

About two days later my family and I went over to the Morin’s house (my aunt and uncle) for Sunday dinner and for once I actually got ready and wore decent clothes… I know----surprising! The Morin’s house is always packed with people and that day was no exception. They had invited a guy named Bryan Cantrell, who works for my uncle Pat. I had never met him before so I introduced myself and was later pulled aside by my cousin Megan, asking me if I thought he was “cute.” It felt wrong and weird saying yes but there are just some things you can’t deny…!!!! She told me that he was single and said that when I was ready, he would love to get my number. WOWWOWOWOW that was hard to hear and felt incredibly weird. All of a sudden it is ok to be interested in someone other than your husband? How does that work? I used a lot of self-talk to get it through my head that it is ok, if it is something that I feel like I am ready for. I thought about it and realized that it would be nice to have someone to talk to, so I gave Megan the go… About five minutes later I received a text from Bryan and that is where it all started. A text… Really? Haha…

In the beginning of slowly easing back into the dating world, I made sure that I acted on what I felt comfortable with and stayed away from things that I was not ready for. I was open and very honest about my situation and laid it all out for him, thinking it would scare him away. It didn’t!!! I knew it was still so soon since Jared passed away but strangely, I felt excited to hang out with Bryan and get to know him. I have heard from other widows and widowers that the dating life is terrifying to them and they try to avoid it like the plague. In contrast, it was not scary for me and at first that worried me but my dear friend Erin, who lost her husband just 4 months before I lost mine, told me that I need to be grateful that dating didn’t scare me and to just go with it. I took her advice and began dating Bryan, being carful to only share and do the things I was comfortable with. He was patient and willing to go at any pace I set.

After some dates, I would often come home crying and have another melt down session with Jared, spirit to spirit. By the next day, I felt renewed and ready for another round. It was hard and yet fun and healing all at the same time.

Just after one week of meeting Bryan, I went back to California for a couple months to spend time with the Johansen’s and say goodbye to Nate (Jared’s brother) who was leaving on a mission at the time. I told Bryan that I would see him when I get back and if it feels right we will see where things go. I wanted to use the two months in California to think, pray and fast about whether I should continue dating Bryan.

While in California, I spent hours analyzing the situation, fasting multiple times, praying for countless hours, attending the temple and getting counsel from others. It has been my experience that the Lord pushes me to my limit before He gives me direction. He makes sure that I am patient, calm, ready, prepared, having done the homework to the best of my ability, and then in His time, He tells me what He thinks. Getting it through my thick head is often the hardest part!!! So finally when I had reached my limit and done my part, I received an answer concerning Bryan. Most of those experiences are too sacred to share in detail but let’s just say that---I knew I needed to go home and continue to date him. Once that was decided, I was excited and a little nervous but I knew I needed to trust the Lord, shut up and just do it.

Sure enough, after I went home and saw him, we found ourselves wanting to spend practically every moment we could together. I am so grateful I listened to the Lord and did what He suggested.

I have learned that I am not in charge and that I need to make sure I am working with Heavenly Father in EVERYTHING I do because I know going where He directs will bring happiness even if things get hard. I will never try and deal my own cards again… Been there, done that and it sucks…!!! Again, I will not go into detail about some of the experiences I had but I knew I was heading in the right direction despite the fast pace, considering what just happened with Jared. We continued dating while I was working through feelings with the death of Jared and Bryan has held my hand every step of the way. As Bryan and I talked about getting married it just felt right. We knew that we needed to confirm our desires with the Lord, so we started asking and looking for an answer. Bryan received his personal answer and I received mine, which brought tears to my eyes and filled my heart once again with gratitude for Jared and his divine role in sending me Bryan and his continual help as I work through the grieving process and try to work out my future.

Bryan has told me many times that his purpose and desire is not to replace Jared, compete with Jared or diminish my love for Jared but instead add to that love by caring for the girls and me, while providing another father figure as the girls grow and mature. We trust that everything will all get worked out on the other side following this life, if we will but live righteously the reminder of our lives and do the very best we can.

It would take all the paper in the world to write out everything that I love about Bryan and I am so thankful for the love, acceptance and understanding he has showered on the girls and me in return.

I share my story with the world because I know there have been hundreds of people who have prayed for me and who have been thinking about me and fasting for me and wanting to help me and my family and I want you all to be part of my life. I also know that people of course are wondering how could someone who loves their husband, who passed away just months ago, marry someone else so soon? I am here to say that it is possible to love more than one person. It is possible to grieve the loss of someone in the arms of someone new. It is possible to be happy again and yet sad at the same time. It is possible to combine multiple families together and unite our love and welcome everyone.

I thank Jared and Heavenly Father every night for Bryan. I am so grateful for all that I have. I am so grateful for God’s plan for me even though it has been incredibly difficult. I am grateful for Reese and Jac, the Johansen’s, the Bleaks, extended family and friends and the Cantrell’s. I love you all so much.

I look forward to Bryan’s and my future together with our little girls, knowing that Jared, Michael and other departed relatives will be guiding and helping us along the way. I love the Gospel with all of my heart and I would not be where I am today without it. It is real. There is a plan and it is a wonderful plan that is perfect. I cannot deny it. I know Heavenly Father loves me. I know He cares about me and He is completely aware of me and my struggles and leads me to light every time.

Thank you all so much for going on this journey with me, through the tragedies and the happiness. I love you all so much.

If you are wanting to know more about Jared and what happened click hereWhat happened to Jared for the birth of Jac and what happened there click here Baby Jac

Tiff

P. S. We will be married on October 27, 2012 in a simple, small ceremony surrounded by local family and a few close friends.